Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Castles Made of Sand

My Dad used to say, "When you want God to laugh, make plans!" Well I must have cracked the big guy up this week, when I went on vacation.

1. A day at Disney World: Morbidly obese people from around the world get in your way, scream at their children and buy ridiculous things for seven times what they are worth. The food sucks, (you could do three courses at Chez Pierre for less). $60.00 for four people to eat mulch and particle board, that is deep fried in petroleum products. The rides are antiquated and in some cases so politically incorrect, I was (wait for it) embarrassed. All this for only $368.00 entry fee, plus parking, plus soylent green (I mean food). It was worth it to hear my kids complain for ten hours, and see the cynicism trait pass to another generation!

2. A day at the International Boulevard, mall of the dead: Again my kids were complete a-holes. My son looked me straight in the eye and asked for a $100.00 soccer ball. Go ahead pal....hold your breath.

3. A day at the the beach: This was going really good. I had a brief, fleeting, feeling of happiness. I pushed the kids into some waves, and caught a few myself. I built my wife a wind block/shelter, out of an umbrella and my three board travel case. I saw a look in her eye like, maybe she actually had married a hunter gatherer. It was all coming together. That's when I heard the screams and saw my son running towards the life guard station. He had grabbed a Man-O-War, not ten minutes after I showed him what they looked like and warned him ....wait for it...not to touch them!

Unlike Rocky Balboa, I know when I have been beaten. We gave up and drove home a day early. It was a quiet ride home. Three and a half hours, not one word from anyone. I am changing my last name to Griswold.

I want to ride my bicycle, a lot.



juancho said...

It was worth it to hear my kids complain for ten hours, and see the cynicism trait pass to another generation!

Those are some good chops.

juancho said...

and this.

Human Wrecking Ball said...

Thanks for the complement.
(link) You precede me in all thing master.

Ms. Moon said...

Try Weeki Wachee next time. The mermaids NEVER disappoint.
BTW, my grandmother's maiden name was actually...hold on...Griswold!
But you know what? No matter how bad the vacation, your kids will never be able to whine, whine, whine that you never took them anywhere as long as you did.
It's like vegetables- you buy 'em, you cook 'em, you present them to your kids- you've done your job. If they don't eat them and their hair falls out, that's their fault.

Ms. Moon said...

Yeah. That link did not work. How come Juancho's did, huh?
Anyway, there's a label on my blog if anyone wants to read about the delights of Weeki Wachee Springs.

Anonymous said...

1. the primal recognition of true provider is always an accomplishment; get some, go again!

2. you got to push 'em into a couple waves-I can't wait myself for that moment.

3. he'll never touch that blue balloon on the beach again-NEVER, so lesson learned. And bonus: your kid is smarter than the one that doesn't go ahead and test what was just presented as fact.

Overall, sounds like a great vacation, and really, you knew the Disney and Orlando part was gonna suck, you're just a glutton for punishment.

Human Wrecking Ball said...

You guys, (Ms. Moon, Magnum) are right, you have to keep trying. It's a no win because saying "I told you so" is not much fun when your kid is screaming. He's at that age where he just can't wait for me to stop talking. He's an all star eye roller too. It's all hard.
Magnum, I can tell you the proudest moment of my life, was watching them get waves on their own (on a previous trip). I would rather watch them surf, than surf myself, it's that cool. Your gonna dig it.
All is good now, Worm put the Mojo back in my bike and I started drinking early tonight. We bought a new dishwasher and I didn't even care! God I love booze!

juancho said...

Yes! Here's to booze!

AucillaSinks said...

Hey W.B.,

I do want to take my yungins to Disney World one day but we have not pulled it off yet. At this rate, it may be grad night before they see the mouse house.

In contrast to your post, our humble excursion to O'Leno State Park this week could not have gone better. It was our first visit to O'Leno. Kids biking around the campground loop with new friends while mom and dad sipped micro brews and ate olives and goat cheese under our pop-up canopy. A day hike on the Sante Fe with wild azalea’s blanketing the landscape. Our canoe trip to the Sante Fe river rise was great but the canoe trip up the crystal clear Ichetucknee and back ranks as one of my top five stellar canoe trips of all time. I will never soak my ass for four hours with a mass of drunken gator fans in inner tubes again. Sitting high and dry in my canoe in the off-season is the way to go on the Ichetucknee. Watching the kids get the hang of snorkeling in the head springs was sweet. On the return trip in the late afternoon sun we passed no people but saw an owl on the bank, a raccoon eating a crawfish, an otter swimming, limpkins complaining, woodstorks, a turkey, ospreys and turtles a plenty.

Listening to an unabridged "Dragon Rider" audio book made the travel times way too short. The weather, the (low numbers of) bugs, the blooms, our luck - everything came together to make this spring break all that I hoped it would be. Now, back to reality.

Human Wrecking Ball said...

Was that Limpkin comment pointed at me?
Now I really feel like Larry David.
Glad you had a good trip, Sinks.
(says barely audible)...bastard.