Monday, February 21, 2011

Mysterious Ways

I am on the verge of surfacing from my third baptism, no wiser than I was on my first.

When I was six, I fell asleep on a kick board in a pool, in St. Mary's Pennsylvania. My Uncle Tom, had just been fitted for a suit. He was walking towards the pool with a priest, when I woke up on the bottom. I pushed for the surface and tried to yell for help. My lungs filled with chlorinated water and I drowned. He jumped in, pulled me out and resuscitated me. I woke up to see a priest, my uncle and my parents looking down at me.

I used to surf at a place called, "The Power Plant". It was deserted most days my friend Rob and I surfed there. On a huge day in November, we paddled out, side by side. We were almost out, when a huge set came through. Rob squeaked by, but I took the whole set on the head and lost my board. I was stuck in the rip and couldn't make any progress. When the next set drove me to the bottom, I heard a voice clearly say: "this is it". I got pushed in by a wave, and ended up in shallow water.

I wonder what it is I am supposed to learn? I don't feel like I live in a fog. I have lost enough to know that nothing should be taken for granted. (Deity of choice) knows I could be a better person, but I have done a lot of good in this life too. The only thing I really know is that for the first time in my life, I know fear. The fear that comes with realizing nothing can keep you safe. The blinders are off.

I am a week away from a date I have been watching for six months. I am at the gate of a mythical goal that I hoped would find me feeling different. I had hoped to feel like my debt was paid and that my sins were erased. I wanted to feel reborn. Every time this happens on T.V. or in a book, there is a message.

All the great currencies of a life; love, health, passion, (insert more here) are limited. It is easy to miss the point. Pay attention, it's happening right now.


Friday, February 18, 2011

I Write The Book

It ain't pretty, but it got me through.

So close I can taste dirt.


Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Ready Or Not

It is an unfortunate side effect of life that you will have things you don't want to face. People, situations, places, sad reminders of how we wish things could be. The "what if list" that you reveal to no one. The job you wish you had. The falling out between friends or family that never really gets resolved. The things that are never said to the ones we love.

Most days you never think of them. Then a certain song pops up. The email arrives. You hear about them third hand. You turn a corner and you are face to face with an old issue that you didn't even realize was still festering in your subconscious.

The last band I managed had a lot of potential. The singer is a very talented kid with a tough history. The type of person that has enough scars to make good art. He and I were always fine, but I could never get on the same page as his band. Ultimately they had more pull with him than I, and we parted. You cannot help people that don't trust you so trying to build a bridge is futile. Like so many other characters of my bio, they drifted away. They signed to a label and are about to release their record. They are on a few mag covers and on all the cool kid web sites. They are heading out to do Warped Tour in a few weeks.

At the new ultra hipster gas station themed bar (that I am not cool enough to drink in, because I am not rocking enough beard or kissing my male friends on the lips, as a joke) I ran into the boys from the band. They were dressed to kill, with a photographer in tow. It was all smiles as we chatted. They filled me in on all the cool stuff they are doing. I hugged the singer. I wished them luck. I was fine. Once free of the DMZ, I felt an old familiar sting, residual emotion reserved for ex lovers, and arch rivals. I was charged up for battle and had no foe to vanquish so naturally ...I attacked myself.

It's funny. Even if I could step back into Ari Golds shoes, I am sure I wouldn't. Still, I am left staring into the fun house mirror. This weird feeling will go away ....RIGHT?


Monday, February 7, 2011

Friday, February 4, 2011


Three more weeks......awesome.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Redemption Song

My heart is healed. No evidence of clotting issues. No evidence of protein deficiency.

I have been a good inmate. Give me the envelope with my shit in it and open the fucking gate.