Tuesday, October 26, 2010

God Only Knows

The preliminary news is good. I do NOT have the C and S protein deficiency that causes my blood to clot abnormally. I have to stay on thinners for a while longer. After a period of time (three to six months) to be determined by my doctors, I will come off the thinners and get re-tested.

The hematologist wants to check for one more antibody level in my blood and then he feels there is a "good chance" that I will get off thinners. Which could (theoretically) lead to me being able to ride bikes again. It is still a little too soon to take a victory lap.

I am very relieved to find I (most likely) do not have the protein deficiency. That would be a burden for life.

Thanks to all for the calls, texts, emails, blog comments and Facebook posts. It's awesome to go into the ring, with a mob behind you for back up.

I will post more news as my Docs give it to me, change it, re access it, then abandon it altogether, and go with the thing they said before.

Love to you all!


Monday, October 25, 2010

The Last One

I have had days where it was all I could do to breath. After having something called a; hemipelagic migraine a few weeks ago (which feels exactly like a stroke) my whole process of doctors, MRI's, blood tests (and most of all) fear restarted. I cut myself off from all my friends. I stopped answering my phone. I struggled though work and my kids activities. I waited for the next attack. I rarely left home, except to walk with my wife.

Once I knew the MRI showed no damage, and I was told it was a migraine, there was finally a feeling of relief. I slowly came out of the cave.

My friends were relentless and refused to let me become a recluse. Last weekend a group of the worlds best and most compassionate cycling community, organized a dinner for me. I felt rejuvenated and normal and I heard myself and others laugh again. Medicine from the gods. I rarely ever stop talking, but I must admit, I am at a loss to describe what the support I have received, has meant. I am sure I would have been swallowed by darkness had it not been for all my two wheeled family. Thank you all, a million times. Sandi and Karen were so kind to do all the inviting and organizing, thanks you two.

So now I stand on the eve of the verdict. Tomorrow I find out (hopefully, there may be more testing) if I will remain on blood thinners for the rest of my life or if I have other options. To remain on thinners would spell an end to my cycling life. It is simply to big a risk to continue. What would be a mild bump or bruise for normal folks, would be a life threatening bleed for me.

Tomorrow I see the Hematologist, find out what my hyper coagulating blood is doing, and receive my sentence. I know I am being melodramatic. I know there are worse fates than not being able to ride. I also know that anyone that rides and loves it as much as I, feels my pain. I know I am going to survive and I have had more than my share of adventure, but I had really hoped to ride for the rest of my life. I had hoped (Deity of choice) would reward a life lived healthy, and to the fullest. I am reminded that Karma is not a reward or a punishment, it just simply.....is.

Call the angels! I'm going in!


Tuesday, October 12, 2010


Wondering what surprises the new day brings
all around the season sings
but not for me

Try to see the good in each day
try to forget nothing is the same
I hear the wind in tree's

Leveled out and maintained
hand grenades inside my brain
broken picture that looks okay

don't be afraid

make a joke escape the talk
get off the couch and try to walk
waking dream outlined in chalk

don't be afraid

waiting around for the next attack
try to sleep in a burning rack
my blood is filled with broken glass

I forget and start to laugh
and the demons pulls me back
the leaves are falling the sun arch's past

don't be afraid