My Dad used to say, "When you want God to laugh, make plans!" Well I must have cracked the big guy up this week, when I went on vacation.
1. A day at Disney World: Morbidly obese people from around the world get in your way, scream at their children and buy ridiculous things for seven times what they are worth. The food sucks, (you could do three courses at Chez Pierre for less). $60.00 for four people to eat mulch and particle board, that is deep fried in petroleum products. The rides are antiquated and in some cases so politically incorrect, I was (wait for it) embarrassed. All this for only $368.00 entry fee, plus parking, plus soylent green (I mean food). It was worth it to hear my kids complain for ten hours, and see the cynicism trait pass to another generation!
2. A day at the International Boulevard, mall of the dead: Again my kids were complete a-holes. My son looked me straight in the eye and asked for a $100.00 soccer ball. Go ahead pal....hold your breath.
3. A day at the the beach: This was going really good. I had a brief, fleeting, feeling of happiness. I pushed the kids into some waves, and caught a few myself. I built my wife a wind block/shelter, out of an umbrella and my three board travel case. I saw a look in her eye like, maybe she actually had married a hunter gatherer. It was all coming together. That's when I heard the screams and saw my son running towards the life guard station. He had grabbed a Man-O-War, not ten minutes after I showed him what they looked like and warned him ....wait for it...not to touch them!
Unlike Rocky Balboa, I know when I have been beaten. We gave up and drove home a day early. It was a quiet ride home. Three and a half hours, not one word from anyone. I am changing my last name to Griswold.
I want to ride my bicycle, a lot.
W.B.Z.N.
