Thursday, November 19, 2009

It's All I Can Do




I am in the throws of another crisis of confidence. This means that I have been healthy too long, not thankful enough, and the arrival of this retched cold is proof that I am being punished for not enjoying my two wheeled gifts.


After the Tom Brown race (where I was soundly rocked) I was surprised to find out my fitness was a mirage. Then after another trip to Macon, and a mental bonk on the climbs, I was (again) denied the luxury of slaying my dragons. After weeks of hard work, dieting, and weight loss it was all a sad payoff. Back at home, I have not been able to find my groove. When I am confident, I can ride anything. When the armor fails, the demons rush in like a virus, reek havoc on all my systems, and leave me to question everything from gear, to weather I should ride at all.


All of the weeks I have spent reflecting, yielded a nugget today. I have been saving money to do the Hut To Hut this summer. All these little speed bumps have led me to wonder if I have the "stuff" to pull that ride off. If I went on that trip and failed to finish, or (horror of horrors) ruined the trip for the others, I would have a tough time dealing with it. I suffer from Asthma and I worry about the altitude. I don't know if I could do forty miles plus a day with no option to go easy or bail. The added gear and weight on the bike, all lead me to question the intent. Doubt is the bane of my existence, and it is where I am living.


I will have to get stronger on solo rides and work back to some point of comfort. Riding like life, requires that you keep moving and do the hard work alone, so you can enjoy the time with others. Felasco is the only target on the horizon. After that the decisions will make themselves.

Time for the medicine.


W.B.Z.N.

15 comments:

Magnum said...

armour? you have no armour; that's the point, just go and do and repair/rebuild as needed.
you're tougher than the average 20 yr. old mentally and physically so chant a mantra and smash through it.

Can I get a "BASTARD!"

Paul McManus said...

Come ride with me and you'll feel like a rick star.

And Jesus dude, quit f'n whining and go teh damn hut to hut. You'll be fine.

Mark said...

Quit being a, ummm, ham wallet. I'm not even going to try to pump you up. Hey, I have a mount and bag on my front porch. Swing by and get them whenever you like.

Ms. Moon said...

I never quite understand why men have this need to prove themselves over and over and over. Not saying you should just lay back, drink sweet tea and get fat. Just saying that you are who you are and that this race or that one neither defines your worth or your manhood.
Okay. I'm done.
I think you're pretty darn okay just as you are.
And that is the woman-channeling-Mr-Rogers-message-for-you-today.
Bastard!

BIG JIM said...

I know that I am just a spginner and ride a bike like crap, BUT, next ride we are going to talk about rest days, recovery nutrition and vitamin supplements.

BIGWORM said...

Hurrah, Mrs. Moon! We definitely loose sight of what's real when we get our focus on too deeply. I say we, because I know where your coming from, W.B.. You're riding just fine, but you hang your very essence on the very last minute of the very last ride. Just show up with the boys, get your social on, and quit you're whinin'! Are you Irish, or do you just play one on TV?!

reverend dick said...

eh...Hut to Hut? Which stinking Hut to Hut?

nicol said...

I think you have good enough friends to support you through any ride you're doing together. I can't imagine you ruining anyones' fun. And, you'll never know unless you try. That's my two cents, BASTARD!!!

Magnum said...

hah! "are you Irish or do you just play one on TV?"

nicol said...

OK, it took a few hours but now I feel bad for calling you that. I wanna blame it on Mags, but really it's not his fault. ;-)

Get well soon, HWB!

gclark said...

Yes, which hut to hut?

All your self-mortification is endearing, but unnecessary. Except I think you feed off of it. It drives you on.

And yes, he is Irish, hence all the self-doubt and self-abuse.

Bastards!

Human Wrecking Ball said...

Yer all a bunch of BASTARDS! Thanks for the abuse and support. The abuse (as always) is more appreciated. We'll see how the next few weeks plays out, and how I feel at Felasco. Sorry I didn't check in sooner, I have been blowing my nose and having weird dreams.
I'll besure to write a sad post next week (about a dead person) to get rid of you sonsaBASTARDS!

Mingo said...

Get better soon my brother.

The Ape's hut to Mark's hut to Pauls hut to Big Jim's hut?

Operation Uranus said...

I agree with 123 123

By the way the Hut to Hut is pretty chill except for a few hours of climbing spread over a week.

Magnum said...

and now, spammed by hookers...