Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Out Of Nothing

I forgot to take my meds tonight, so sleep eludes. Nothing is troubling me, I have no complaints (other than the one and only log that was removed from Munson). When I lay down and start thinking of emails I want to write, or things I shouldn't have said, its the same as seeing a "check oil" light on your dash. Oh ya the pills, I forgot them again.

My life has been full of firsts since my stroke. It started when I ran across Park Ave to avoid on coming maniacs. The thought clicked that it was the first time I had run since the "incident". After that I started noticing all kinds of firsts and this gave me comfort and gratitude. It is better if you log a first after doing it subconsciously. Recognising a first (before you do it) adds a little more weight. The firsts are still coming: First ride from the house to the trail. First ride by myself. First Vineyard Loop. I hope to one day stumble through life again, without logging little hurdles, but I doubt it will happen.

There have been some great "lasts" as well. My last call from the great people at Shands. My last dose of coumadin. My last blood test. My last visit to the cardiologist. All little reminders that the bad weather has past and the soldiering on has begun.

I think I got more out of this test than I bargained for. Not all of it good, not all of it bad, none of it as revelatory as I had hoped. If I have learned anything it isn't something I can put into words. It is not something I can take credit for. If it has changed me is it a subtle thing that I can not detect. Maybe it will aid in my evolution later, like some latent virus that I need for stronger immunity. All I can say is this: some things that used to be a big concern, are not registering on my radar. Some things that weren't on my radar, now beep back like the voice of God. I rarely feel urgency, unless I am preparing gear for a ride.

Maybe there is a message after all.



Ms. Moon said...

I love hearing your words again.
Especially one like these.

Juancho said...

Interesting. I've also wondered what big lessons I'm supposed to be keeping from my own struggles this past year. I've closed and locked some doors that were hard to walk away from, and I find myself enjoying things I never thought were for me. I used to equate life with stumbling down a dark hallway with my hands in front of my face. Now I feel like I have a few Strike Anywhere matches in my pocket, but that's about it. I hope I can use those wisely. Thanks man, great post.