Sunday, April 8, 2012

Undisclosed Desires


Here I sit on another eve of bone diagnosis. Even with health issues I can become cynical and jaded. I am veteran of a thousand waiting room wars. I can separate the meat from the grunts in one room sweep. I have laughed at the noobs, that get annoyed in the blood test lab. I have marveled at strong mothers of sick children. I have the hundred medical form stare. I am highly decorated. I am out of puns and metaphors.

I wish there was some inspirational ribbon I could pull from all this dear readers, but alas my streams are nuggetless. This collar bone thing has no nobility since it was (by far) the least dramatic, dumbest crash I ever had. The injury, though tough and somewhat painful, really doesn't even rank top ten in the shit list of health issues I have suffered in the last five years. There is no glory and even less sympathy. I didn't take any of it seriously and was taken down by the silent killer...sloth.

Tomorrow I go to the uninterested orltho guy who will squeeze me in between, famous motocrosser A and up and coming F..S.U. quarterback B. He will have just enough time to be bored with the fact that I've been off the bike since January twenty, 2012. He will say: "see you in x number of days, weeks etc." or he will clear me to ride. This will be the only event worthy of anything resembling drama. He will regale me with a "good thing you are not Patient X, who suffered an injury way worse than yours" story, in hopes of making me feel lucky. This futile action will be met with no eye contact and a dismissive yawn. I will hold out my hand for the form before he gets it out of his metal notebook. He will check his hair in the mirror and open the door to F.S.U. quarter back B. Their awesome conversation, about all they have in common, will fade with my footsteps, as I walk to check out. This is fine with me. I have had the full attention of enough doctors (perplexed by my behavior or maladies) to last me a life time.


Then there will be the elephant in the car with me that I have no one to blame for but myself and boredom. I have not been on the trainer. I have not been eating right. I have an extra gallon of milk in my mid section. I can't whistle the Rocky theme. I have a tap root that goes to China from just under the surface of my couch. The saddest sad of all is, I don't feel like I have missed cycling much, or at all. Is there a cure? It's a head scratcher.

I am sure Walter Cronkite had nights he hated the news. I know how he feels.

W.B.Z.N.

  

13 comments:

Treeman said...

You may not be missing it, but it misses you.

Ms. Moon said...

I have no words of advice or comfort. All I can say is, "Howdy, brother. You write good."
I hope you get cleared. I think that Juancho probably has some real tasty kale recipes.
Sigh.

Magnum said...

Of all the folks with the same tap root, you're one of the few that has the mental hatchet so close at hand.
Get choppin'!

Human Wrecking Ball said...

Well I'm cleared for lite riding. Sorry for all the hate in the post, I'm feeling a little twitchie. Thx y'all.

Magnum said...

"lite riding"? so what's different?

HA!

WheelDancer said...

Excellent bro, see you out on the trail, er, wait...

nicol said...

Oh good. Glad you get to ride again. Pass the Gu.

anonymous said...

Great! Now I can get my ass kicked by a zipper-necked stroke victim, with a wasted clavicle.

reverend dick said...

Perhaps I can be the Clubber Lang you are looking for.

I will now address your bicycle: "You wanna see a real man? C'mon over to my house, I'll show you a real man."


JK, I'm really your Apollo Creed! I feel your pain and ennui- I feel it in my ass, which now spasms every time I stand as a secondary and yet dominant result of my own crash. Come, my brother, let us where short shorts and high socks as we run and hug on the beach...where you will get back that hunger. That eye of the tiger.

Human Wrecking Ball said...

Thanks again all. Rev very good funny and inspiring in a gentle funny way thanks.
Anonny. That chit made me spit milk.

Jeff said...

In your list of things you've seen in a waiting room you forgot to mention meeting a kindred spirit and fellow warrior.

Take care my friend.

Jeff

Human Wrecking Ball said...

Jeff! I was just down at Shands for my last ever check up. I asked the Doc about you but hippa prevented ant real details. I hope you are well brother. I am going to post a link to the blog I wrote about the day we met, two years ago.

http://wreckingballblog.blogspot.com/2010/11/here.html

Jeff said...

Hey, I go for my last (hopefully) TEE tomorrow and Shands 4/23. I have been doing well and cycling once again has saved me. Getting lots of miles and FAST rides. I was on a group ride along the beach Sunday that got insanely (for me) fast.

I will tell the doc we still stay in touch.

May your rides be long and challenging.