Monday, October 12, 2009

Lay It On The Line


I hate bikes. Racing is stupid. Tom Brown is a dumb ass trail. It's been raining. I am not going to race.


The new fall T.V. season started. No ones yells at me, or drops me, when I am on the sofa. The world is full of people that do not race mountain bikes. Cookies are good. I was planning on changing my riding style to: Bird watching cyclist.


What am I five years old? I don't have to race because of my crew. The world needs peace and love; not a bunch of middle aged dorks in Lycra, spreading testosterone in the forest.


Wow the trail is REALLY getting ridden in well. I am glad I am not racing. This is great for the trail though. I am railing turns. There's way too many people at Tom Brown.....I could beat that guy. Is he in my class? What's with the stink eye Bro?..... Yo! On your left!


I am riding a little too hard, you know, in case I decide to race. I need to taper a little more. I probably won't race. I need to save money. I am glad the shop had the new shoes, tires, Ti pedals, XTR drive train, and carbon bars I wanted. It's not my fault they sent me a new credit card. I may need a divorce attorney.


I always stay up till four in the morning cleaning my bike, laying out my kit, and checking my cleats. I can't find my lucky socks....WHERE THE F*#$ ARE MY LUCKY, oh...... here they are. I am so glad I am not racing. It makes people soooo neurotic. Losers. I'll just take the tires off one more time, to check for thorns. Did that rotor just squeak? WHAT THE F^&*?


It's so weird, I have a check right here, filled out to Gone Riding....What a coinky dink. I have to poop RIGHT NOW! I have stopped talking and smiling at anyone who might be in my class, including close friends and their family members. I probably shouldn't have told that guys kid I was going to kick his Dads ass. Oh well, all is fair in love and.....OH SHIT! My class is next! I am going to kill anything that is not in a Bike Chain jersey. Why is this guy crowding me? Home boy better chill! I am feeling the whole shot! 5,4,3,2,1.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



Mingo said...

So you’re the guy Colter was talking about.

I still can't decided, two laps or three. Three will probably win out, just because I am stupid.

Human Wrecking Ball said...

It wasn't me...I'm not racing.

juancho said...

I'm a birdwatching cyclist too, bet I can spot more species than you!

nicol said...

Heehee. This made me laugh. Sunday is the funny.

BIGWORM said...

You just keep getting better!

Anonymous said...

look at that wren, or maybe it's a warbler.
I'd race, but I'm doing so well at fantasy football I didn't want to jinx it by actual exertion.

Velosopher said...

Never stop writing, bro. You nailed it.

Oh, yeah, btw: "LOL!"

Somali Pirate said...


longshanks said...

This should be published in MTB Action, or any other bicycling magazine...great post