Monday, April 23, 2012

Cold As Stone



I am pulling an orange extension cord through a leaf covered college campus. I pull it through intersections and past businesses. I feel like an idiot. I see a kid on a skate board trying to Ollie off a small ledge. He is not a skilled skater. I offer a small tip. He begins screaming at me about how it was my generation that polluted the earth and ruined everything for his era. I try to argue my case, he isn't listening. He has a look that leads me to believe this could escalate to violence.

The tension on the cord is getting worse and worse until I am leaning like a bad mime, into the wind. I turn a corner and walk down an alley towards a gig I am supposed to be setting up. They are already playing and the young college crowd is hating the music.
  
I wake up to a perfect morning. It is chilly in the room. The windows are open. I am rested. It feels like a perfect morning, until I gain my senses and realize it is Monday.


W.B.Z.N.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

sIGN sIGN eVERYWHERE A sIGN!



Top Ten Reasons road bikes are dumb:

10. No Suspension.

9. Can't blame tire choice for shitty ride.

8. Girls ride them faster than you.

7. Every time your knees come up, they hit your gut, and remind you that  you are fat.

6. Cigarette keeps going out and beer spills, on sprints.

5. Chicks only think bright colored kits look cool on handsome young guys.

6. Just like life, at the end you are alone.

4. It's hard to take advantage of the draft, when you can't stay on with the group.

3. Can't make up for lack of fitness by riding skinnies and big logs.

2. No points given for injuries and health issues.

and the number one reason road bikes are dumb.......

Not near enough Duck Signs!!!!!!

W.B.Z.N.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Caught By The Light

It's my first ride back, March 10, 2012. I see them in the distance. I recognize the colors, logos, the chain links, but not the faces. They get closer and I feel more nervous. I am scared of riders bumping me most of all. The collar bone is still tender. We are wearing the same kits but no one waves, and no greetings are passed. I am off the trail and I watch them ride away. Just out of ear shot they talk again like the unwanted guest is out of the room.


It's a chilly morning in February 2009 at San Felasco. We are all ready to roll. I am really regretting not getting the BC vest, it looks really cool. Mingo, Micro, Silk, Shanks, Curl, Little Ball, Frog Legs, K-Dub, Cliffy, Big Worm, Darnel, Spanish Mackerel, Lyle, Ice Berg, Derwood, Big Jim Slade and I are surrounded in a sea of orange and black. Everyone is looking and wondering what the hell is up with us. We are loud, we are laughing. Some are bothered, some are jealous, but all notice. We are still rewinding the previous nights costume exploits. We roll out like we own the place.


I make my way back to the Piney Z parking lot. I am answering questions from kids at the pump track.
"How do you ride those small pedals? How much that bike? You can ride a wheelie? Is there trail in there? Are you going back to Tom Brown? How long will it take?"
I look up to see the Big Man, D, El Gato, Cliffy and Ice Berg rolling up. I yell, "Stripes!" (my derogatory nickname for non crew BC kit owners).
"Ain't no stripes here."
Big Worm says out of a sideways grin. I notice I am the only one wearing the new kit.

The first two hours of San Felasco are always the best. Everyone is together and we have a tradition of singing an obnoxious song. This Year we begin "Bohemian Rhapsody" and the entire crew is singing. We pull off the operatic "Galileo" answer and response as we pass a long line of riders. They think we are dicks and they are right. It's just how we like it. It is the tie that binds us all. We are too rough, too foul mouthed, too loud for other groups. We are in the blind state of wonder that accompanies not knowing change is coming.

Cliffy starts to twitch. Like me, he has been off the bike forever and he wants to ride. They head out and I head back up the multi use. As I crest the top, I see a woman on a entry level MTB. Her seat tube is all the way down. She rides past in the new BC kit.

At the first sag stop we all start to get game face and the factions form. Fast Experts, the B group I am in, with my inner circle and the guys that came with no miles in there legs and a hangover in their head, pick up the rear. It is a model for what will happen in the future. People move to different cities. The young guys get into college and take up motocross. Couples part and others come close, some have strokes, others had heart issues, others tend to family and career. Some just make decisions based on training. The covalent bond is losing electrons and the flashes of energy from the splitting molecules makes me squint. We didn't know it, but it was the last song we would ever sing in the woods. It felt just like another day, but it was the farewell episode of the show you wanted to watch forever. The echo increases as the historic snap shots drift and the credits roll. San Felasco 2009: The day BC went super nova.

I cruise past Tom Brown on the black paved ribbon that has been silent witness to all of my comebacks from threats, great and small. Back on Fern, I look over at the junk trucks by the cement mix yard.

The old glass still reflects the sun, but it ain't like it was.



W.B.Z.N.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Beyond This Moment

27 miles in two days. It all feels good. The pain feels good. The twitching muscles while I sleep, feels good. The fear of falling feels good. It felt great to ride with my son again, even when he almost put me back on the DL by high siding a tail whip slide, five feet in front of me at 20mph. It felt good.

I rode through my first bonk. I lost Cory and doubled back for him. He doubled back for me too. Both of us doubled back on the route the other took. From above it would have looked like the stooges on bikes. We still rode out to Crump road.

 It all felt good.


W.B.Z.N.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Undisclosed Desires


Here I sit on another eve of bone diagnosis. Even with health issues I can become cynical and jaded. I am veteran of a thousand waiting room wars. I can separate the meat from the grunts in one room sweep. I have laughed at the noobs, that get annoyed in the blood test lab. I have marveled at strong mothers of sick children. I have the hundred medical form stare. I am highly decorated. I am out of puns and metaphors.

I wish there was some inspirational ribbon I could pull from all this dear readers, but alas my streams are nuggetless. This collar bone thing has no nobility since it was (by far) the least dramatic, dumbest crash I ever had. The injury, though tough and somewhat painful, really doesn't even rank top ten in the shit list of health issues I have suffered in the last five years. There is no glory and even less sympathy. I didn't take any of it seriously and was taken down by the silent killer...sloth.

Tomorrow I go to the uninterested orltho guy who will squeeze me in between, famous motocrosser A and up and coming F..S.U. quarterback B. He will have just enough time to be bored with the fact that I've been off the bike since January twenty, 2012. He will say: "see you in x number of days, weeks etc." or he will clear me to ride. This will be the only event worthy of anything resembling drama. He will regale me with a "good thing you are not Patient X, who suffered an injury way worse than yours" story, in hopes of making me feel lucky. This futile action will be met with no eye contact and a dismissive yawn. I will hold out my hand for the form before he gets it out of his metal notebook. He will check his hair in the mirror and open the door to F.S.U. quarter back B. Their awesome conversation, about all they have in common, will fade with my footsteps, as I walk to check out. This is fine with me. I have had the full attention of enough doctors (perplexed by my behavior or maladies) to last me a life time.


Then there will be the elephant in the car with me that I have no one to blame for but myself and boredom. I have not been on the trainer. I have not been eating right. I have an extra gallon of milk in my mid section. I can't whistle the Rocky theme. I have a tap root that goes to China from just under the surface of my couch. The saddest sad of all is, I don't feel like I have missed cycling much, or at all. Is there a cure? It's a head scratcher.

I am sure Walter Cronkite had nights he hated the news. I know how he feels.

W.B.Z.N.

  

Thursday, March 15, 2012

dEM bONES



Dedicating this one to the latest member of the clipped wing club.....The Rev. Apparently the Rev took a huge digger and got him some "Wrecking Ball Frequent Fly (ER)" points (to be redeemed on the couch while icing).

IT'S A CONSPIRACY MAN!

w.b.z.n.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Everything Always Happens To Me

Well the collarbone groundhog came out today and saw my x-ray's shadow. Sadly it will be two to four month's before I get on a bike again. I hate to subject you faithful readers of (this geek tragedy) to  more of my health woes, but someone has to be the goat and unfortunately, the costume is my size.

It is a little hard (even for my bitter, cynical brain) to believe I didn't even get a full year back on the bike. The song lyrics to "If I only Had a Brain" and "If I only had a Heart" keep ringing in my ears for some reason. I am getting a little tired of trying to keep a stiff upper lip and all that. I was really hoping for some long boring years of little to nothing to report, but I guess Deity of Choice has other agendas to which I am either not privy or the punch line.

I want to apologize to all my friends for not calling more, or staying in touch, but I see no need to spread the bad vibes.

Anger management, time on the trainer, and more TV are in my (BASTARD!) future. Feel free to laugh.

W.B.Z.N.