Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

W.B.Z.N.

Stockholm Syndrome

It doesn't even hurt anymore. I can see bikes on cars, read Facebook status reports, blogs, crew emails about awesome rides, heck I even drove by Tom Brown and didn't cuss or punch my steering wheel.



I am just like those bad dogs Cesar Millan fixes. He gets em on the leash and they go nuts, for a little while. He stands there like a stone wall, and waits. Eventually they respond to his every "CHISSH!" like good little domesticated bitches (if they are female dogs). All that fire goes away and they break to the leash, and embrace the collar.



Just the other day, I remarked on what a nice bike a guy had. Boy he sure looked fast. I just attained the 170lb mark, the very same weight that caused the massive pre-stroke, diet and exercise frenzy. It's cool, I need the extra insulation for the winter. By the way: I recently found out your house and yard look good if you do stuff to them. Life is just SWELL! The trainer? Rode it twice last week. Walking? I did that too (a couple times). Swimming? Sticking with it, though you'd never know by looking at my waistline, it's expanding like the universe.


Go ahead and ride you BASTARDS! See if I give a levitating, steaming heap!



W.B.Z.N.

Time The Avenger

For some reason I thought I was a lot closer to the day I could ride again. As I filled in my calender, to keep track of the yards per week I am swimming, I noticed an abundance of weeks. I was off by about five weeks. I have thirteen more to go (before getting off the demon coumadin) and fourteen before I can ride.

I am gaining weight. About ten pounds since the meteor hit my medulla oblongata. I am riding the trainer. I am walking. I am doing these things nearly every night. My goal was to ride the trainer the same amount of time I am swimming (about five hours a week). The total would give me ten hours of vigorous work out. I also walk about eight hours a week with my wife and still the weight is packing on. It has been three months today since my "event" and I have three months, one week to go before I can ride.

For some reason I am not mentally beaten up anymore. Being pissed off and bitter is a tiresome enterprise (even for a career pro like me). So I guess I finally wore myself out, and moved forward with out realizing it. My friends and family have been holding me up, like a hipster in a mosh pit. It's kind of hard to be bummed, when you are surrounded by good people.

I had a great time time watching the cyclocross race this weekend. Nothing is more fun than yelling like a soccer hooligan, at guys running up stairs, carrying bicycles. It all felt like "Lord of the Flies" and it was damn therapeutic. The fun stopped at 5:00 a.m. this morning. The reset button takes no prisoners. I usually swim 2000 yards. I was about to quit at 1500 when I got to the wall, looked up and realized I was in lane #5. Like an echo from the angry mob and the cross race, I heard the voices yell:

"Rule #5! Harden the F#*+ UP!!!!!"

It is very hard to laugh and swim at the same time.

W.B.Z.N.

Here

After an hour of sick babies that can't be consoled, I put on my head phones. My wife smiles knowingly, she wondered when I would crack. She has the patience of a saint. Dylan, a down syndrome boy, has found a ball. I wish with all my blessings, that I could be that happy about anything. He cajoles the Latin boy with the heart transplant, into a game of catch. Soon the game is completely out of control and people in the waiting room are taking shots to the head and body. It would be annoying if Dylan wasn't so happy. The ball rolls to the twenty year old guy, with a horse shoe shaped scar on his shaved head. He looks like he just won the lotto. His smile turns on and he holds out the ball for Dylan. Dylan whoops with excitement and runs to the kid with the scar. He climbs in his lap and hugs him with all the strength of his ten year old arms. Everyone in the room is watching and smiling, except Dylan's parents. They are exhausted and worried.

A group of guys that look like gang extras from an inner city docudrama, are playing cards. They seem like thugs until one speaks to another about how well he is learning the game. The meanest looking one of them all, has the kindest voice in the room. He starts to deal the cards and they all pick up their hands. The ball hits in the middle of the table and the cards are dispersed. They all smile at Dylan, and resume play without talking.

A guy two seats over is about my age and I ask if he had a P.F.O. We exchange stories and figure out we are both cyclists. He had his stroke in July, mine was in August. We had our heart surgery the same week. We talk about cycling and how much it means to us. He's getting off coumadin in a few weeks. I am jealous. I won't be off for four months, all because of a condition, I do not have. One misdiagnosis, cost me a whole season. Jeff and I talk like Nam vets and exchange info. He invites me to come ride in Tampa, when I get off thinners. He admits he is riding against doctors orders, because he just couldn't take it anymore. Thirty to forty miles a week on the road is keeping him sane for now, but he really misses his mountain bike. I nod and feel like someone gets it for the first time in months.

Dylan goes back into the examining room and drags out a doctor. He lifts his shirt and motions for the Doctor to listen to his heart. The doctor plays along and tells him his heart sounds great. Dylan walks over to a man and starts trying to open his shirt. He wants the doctor to listen to his heart too. The room erupts with laughter. It is obvious to all of us, Dylan is an angel. A new kid comes in a wheel chair. Dylan runs full speed at him and his mother barley catches him, before he crashes into the kid. Dylan smiles and tries to hug him but the boy in the chair is very small and frail. His mother takes Dylan's hand and gently touches the other boy who smiles back. The heart transplant boy is on top of a counter. Dylan sees him and rushes off to the rescue.

I am the first one to the pool this morning. The fog swirls around the surface like dancers in Swan Lake. It's cold and I am tired. There are fifteen hundred yards in between me and self respect. The girl in the life guard stand is huddled up in a ball and she has no shoes. The old guy in the next lane laps me, as I count down the yards.

I wonder how Dylan is doing.



W.B.Z.N.

Aloha! Aloha! Aloha!

R.I.P. Andy Irons.

W.B.Z.N.

God Only Knows

The preliminary news is good. I do NOT have the C and S protein deficiency that causes my blood to clot abnormally. I have to stay on thinners for a while longer. After a period of time (three to six months) to be determined by my doctors, I will come off the thinners and get re-tested.

The hematologist wants to check for one more antibody level in my blood and then he feels there is a "good chance" that I will get off thinners. Which could (theoretically) lead to me being able to ride bikes again. It is still a little too soon to take a victory lap.

I am very relieved to find I (most likely) do not have the protein deficiency. That would be a burden for life.

Thanks to all for the calls, texts, emails, blog comments and Facebook posts. It's awesome to go into the ring, with a mob behind you for back up.

I will post more news as my Docs give it to me, change it, re access it, then abandon it altogether, and go with the thing they said before.

Love to you all!

W.B.Z.N.A.B.

The Last One

I have had days where it was all I could do to breath. After having something called a; hemipelagic migraine a few weeks ago (which feels exactly like a stroke) my whole process of doctors, MRI's, blood tests (and most of all) fear restarted. I cut myself off from all my friends. I stopped answering my phone. I struggled though work and my kids activities. I waited for the next attack. I rarely left home, except to walk with my wife.

Once I knew the MRI showed no damage, and I was told it was a migraine, there was finally a feeling of relief. I slowly came out of the cave.

My friends were relentless and refused to let me become a recluse. Last weekend a group of the worlds best and most compassionate cycling community, organized a dinner for me. I felt rejuvenated and normal and I heard myself and others laugh again. Medicine from the gods. I rarely ever stop talking, but I must admit, I am at a loss to describe what the support I have received, has meant. I am sure I would have been swallowed by darkness had it not been for all my two wheeled family. Thank you all, a million times. Sandi and Karen were so kind to do all the inviting and organizing, thanks you two.

So now I stand on the eve of the verdict. Tomorrow I find out (hopefully, there may be more testing) if I will remain on blood thinners for the rest of my life or if I have other options. To remain on thinners would spell an end to my cycling life. It is simply to big a risk to continue. What would be a mild bump or bruise for normal folks, would be a life threatening bleed for me.

Tomorrow I see the Hematologist, find out what my hyper coagulating blood is doing, and receive my sentence. I know I am being melodramatic. I know there are worse fates than not being able to ride. I also know that anyone that rides and loves it as much as I, feels my pain. I know I am going to survive and I have had more than my share of adventure, but I had really hoped to ride for the rest of my life. I had hoped (Deity of choice) would reward a life lived healthy, and to the fullest. I am reminded that Karma is not a reward or a punishment, it just simply.....is.

Call the angels! I'm going in!

W.B.Z.N.