Monday, October 25, 2010

The Last One



I have had days where it was all I could do to breath. After having something called a; hemipelagic migraine a few weeks ago (which feels exactly like a stroke) my whole process of doctors, MRI's, blood tests (and most of all) fear restarted. I cut myself off from all my friends. I stopped answering my phone. I struggled though work and my kids activities. I waited for the next attack. I rarely left home, except to walk with my wife.




Once I knew the MRI showed no damage, and I was told it was a migraine, there was finally a feeling of relief. I slowly came out of the cave.




My friends were relentless and refused to let me become a recluse. Last weekend a group of the worlds best and most compassionate cycling community, organized a dinner for me. I felt rejuvenated and normal and I heard myself and others laugh again. Medicine from the gods. I rarely ever stop talking, but I must admit, I am at a loss to describe what the support I have received, has meant. I am sure I would have been swallowed by darkness had it not been for all my two wheeled family. Thank you all, a million times. Sandi and Karen were so kind to do all the inviting and organizing, thanks you two.




So now I stand on the eve of the verdict. Tomorrow I find out (hopefully, there may be more testing) if I will remain on blood thinners for the rest of my life or if I have other options. To remain on thinners would spell an end to my cycling life. It is simply to big a risk to continue. What would be a mild bump or bruise for normal folks, would be a life threatening bleed for me.




Tomorrow I see the Hematologist, find out what my hyper coagulating blood is doing, and receive my sentence. I know I am being melodramatic. I know there are worse fates than not being able to ride. I also know that anyone that rides and loves it as much as I, feels my pain. I know I am going to survive and I have had more than my share of adventure, but I had really hoped to ride for the rest of my life. I had hoped (Deity of choice) would reward a life lived healthy, and to the fullest. I am reminded that Karma is not a reward or a punishment, it just simply.....is.




Call the angels! I'm going in!




W.B.Z.N.

7 comments:

nicol said...

It is good to get an update from you. Been wondering how you're doing. Wow, you are facing a lot. Glad you have the friends and family support in your life there. It's so important! I need to get off my a@# and ride. I realize I have no excuses, not even a busy life should keep me from riding. Hang in there, HWB. We're all on your side, wishing the best for you, hoping you can ride or do whatever else it is you want to do. Hopefully you'll get good news from your hematologist tomorrow. Sending good vibes your way from Nebraska. :)

BIG JIM said...

I'll send a prayer up for you. I got a good feeling.

Mingo said...

I am with Jim - It will be good news.

Mark said...

It will be good news. Hang in there and get a good nights rest and be sure to call us all with a good report

Carroll said...

Speaking softly to the bike deities...they hear our words, especially yours above all others. You have a gift and you have been given a gift - as you will soon see.
Waiting to hear from you tomorrow.
Carroll

Ms. Moon said...

Okay. I'm thinking about you. Hoping for all the best.
You are a dear soul, Brother Wrecking Ball.

Velosopher said...

I think I speak for everyone when I say, "We'd love to hear the news as soon as there is such."